Ding ding ding! It’s the end of recess and you need to report back to your timetabled lessons.
We’re back with another 5 wrestlers who could teach you a lesson. Today we’re going to look at which wrestlers would be best and making you hit all the right notes, have the preaching down the street in R.E, tell you about the birds and the bees and much more. Without any delay and without being tardy, let’s crack on.
Vice Principal/Music– Mark Andrews
Less to do with his wrestling persona here and more of his exploits outside of the ring, we have Mark Andrews. With his band, Junior, recently releasing their album Beautiful Minds recently, plus completing a tour around the UK, there is no-one I can think of more suited for the role. He has the whole package when it comes to hitting the right notes in this subject. He has vocals that suit his bands pop-punk aesthetic, can instruct on musical instruments with his ability on the bass guitar and is an accomplished singer-songwriter to boot. With his laid-back attitude as well, you can imagine all the children in school wanting to take part in his lessons. Yes, I could have put Chris Jericho in this role for his antics with Fozzy, but the connection that Mandrews has with our Principal, Eddie Dennis, (check out the first article here) means he will also slip into the role of Vice Principal. With F.S.U working together at the top of the school, you know it’s going to be smooth sailing for the duration of the academic year.
Languages – Cesaro
Ever wanted to learn the language of love, French? Or take on the linguistic expertise it takes to master Spanish. Look no further than WWE’s resident Swiss Superman, Cesaro. Along with those previously mentioned, plus German, Schwyzerdütsch (Swiss German) and, of course, English, he has the ability to take you on a non-stop tour of European languages. No longer will you need to frantically Google common phrases whilst on holiday. Processing the ability to speak another language can also make you seem more elegant to others, and if we know anything about Cersaro and his wrestling ability, his shows elegance in the simplest of things that he does. With Cesaro’s influence and tutelage, you will quickly become a master that locals will want to take you in as one of their own. Profitez de vos vacances en Europe!
R.E – Bill Eaver
Oh, What a beautiful day! A bit of a left field pick here for readers from around the world, but for you readers who follow the British Wrestling scene I’ve gone for the former Progress World Champion, The Present Bill Eaver. The reason? Well it’s in the name, he’s a man of God. To get the best experience of religion, a man who preaches it is the best choice. Yes, he only discusses one religion, but as we all know, many aspects of beliefs can be transferable between each other. Before long, Mr Eaver will have you taking to the streets yourself, spreading the word of the Lord. Not only that, but if you are a more troubled youth, The (former) Pastor will be able to take you under his wing and him rehabilitate you.
Sex Education – Val Venis
The man was a male stripper and gigolo. For his own personal health, you know he’s perfected the ins and outs of that dance we call intercourse. After just a handful of lessons in the presence of Mr Venis, you’ll have your partner screaming “Seven!” like Monica in Friends. What’s the point of Sex Ed though? To teach you how to be safe. Something deep down inside of me is saying that he hasn’t got hundreds of children running around the place. Looking at him in the ring, he always looks a perfect bill of health, so you know he always kept himself safe.
Home Economics – The Rock
Do you smell what The Rock is cookin’? Well, if you take his Home Economics class, not only will know smell what he is cooking, but you’re know the secret recipes behind his dishes. You’ll soon have everyone queuing around the block with their noses in the air. Not only will Dwayne teach you to be the best chef possible, but have you looked upon his elegant clothing. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve been jealous of the magnificent threads he regularly wears. Well, enrol in his class and you won’t have to worry about paying the MILLIONS … AND MILLIONS of pounds on each garment. You’ll be able to make these one-of-a-kind pieces at school.
And that’s our teaching staff complete! Can you think of any other roles in a school wrestlers would be perfect for? Just comment below and fill us in. Until then, SCHOOL’S OUT!
You can find me on Twitter @TDWalton. Thanks for reading.