Picture this; You arrive at school on a Monday morning at 8:45 am.
You have had your register time, caught up with friends about the past weekend’s activities and you’re making your way down to … to your first lesson. Math. Urgh! You turn the corner and look up at your teacher. You can’t believe your eyes. Do they deceive you? There is standing … Well, I’m not telling you who in the introduction, but you know the direction I’m heading.
As a teacher, I do constantly think certain wrestlers would suit certain roles in school. Some gimmicks just scream of those teachers you remember from your childhood. I (with the assistance of our resident Victoria Burchett) have put together as many wrestlers with school subjects as possible. Seeing as there are quite a few subjects in secondary school, so this will probably end up being a series of articles, but that just means you can comment with your ideas with what wrestler would match each subject.
Head Teacher – Eddie Dennis
Where else to start but with the man in charge of everything. The head honcho. The Godfather. Eddie Frickin’ Dennis! For anyone for has been living under a rock for the past five years knows that Eddie gave up his job as a Head Teacher at a private school to follow his dream of being a full-time professional wrestler. There was a fantastic 15-minute documentary shot by the BBC around 2 years ago (watch if you can find it). In any promo, he delivers you can feel the same energy that you get from listening cross-legged in the assembly hall. The authority he radiates draws you in and you end up hanging on every word. As fans as well, we follow his instructions to a T. Progress Chapter 93 for example, in his opening promo as guest ring announcer, he had the crowd stop cheering and simply raising our hands. Or instead of the popular ‘Don’t be a dick’ tagline, we chanted ‘Don’t be unkind’. A rule we are all familiar with from our school days. The man is a born leader and shows the exact qualities it takes to lead our Wrestler’s Education Facility.
English – Damian Sandow
If there is one thing I would never classify myself as is a wordsmith. If anyone is best suited to the role of English teacher it would be peak Damien Sandow. The Intellectual Savior of the Unwashed Masses spoke with such elegance that any individual proposing their university dissertation would lend the vocabulary on several occasions throughout. With such a grasp on the English language, he would undoubtedly turn into a grammar Nazi and demolish any piece of writing (including this one) with a red pen, underlying grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes. His unbound knowledge of literature would also aid in his teaching ability. Imagine unpicking the themes of classics, such as Of Mice and Men or Gulliver’s Travels with a literary expert (not all teachers are). The man is a genius, and we would be lucky to be simply allowed in his classroom.
Maths – Scott Steiner
“YOU KNOW THEY SAY ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. BUT YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU LOOK AT SAMOA JOE AND YOU CAN SEE THAT STATEMENT IS NOT TRUE! SEE NORMALLY IF YOU GO 1 ON 1 WITH ANOTHER WRESTLER YOU GOT A 50/50 CHANCE OF WINNING! BUT I’M A GENETIC FREAK AND I’M NOT NORMAL! SO YOU GOT A 25% AT BEST AT BEAT ME! AND THEN YOU ADD KURT ANGLE TO THE MIX, YOU THE CHANCES OF WINNING DRASTIC GO DOWN! SEE THE 3 WAY AT SACRIFICE YOU GOT A 33 1/3 CHANCE OF WINNING. BUT I, I GOT A 66 2/3 CHANCE OF WINNING CAUSE KURT ANGLE KNOWS HE CAN’T BEAT ME AND HE’S NOT EVEN GONNA TRY! SO SAMOA JOE YOU TAKE YOUR 33 1/3 CHANCE MINUS MY 25% CHANCE AND YOU GOT 8 1/3 CHANCE OF WINNING AT SACRIFICE. BUT THEN YOU TAKE MY 75% CHANCE OF WINNING IF WE WAS TO GO 1 ON 1 AND THEN ADD 66 2/3 %. I GOT A 141 2/3 CHANCE OF WINNING AT SACRIFICE! SENIOR JOE? THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU AT SACRIFICE! ” – Scott Steiner – TNA Impact 2008
Now I’m not even going to pretend to understand the whole concept of percentages that Steiner has attempted to convey here, but if they are correct, then who better to lead you on your journey into Mathematics than the genetic freak Scott Steiner? Showing the passion he does with every promo in the classroom would engage all the students in the room. It’s important to make every aspect as engaging as possible, so having someone such as Steiner teaching about numbers to 2 decimal place or the steps of long division would surely ensure that this knowledge is retained. What is the size of my biceps to the nearest mm? Real-life situations in the classroom are the way forward!
Science – PAC
Let me just point out before I start
that I know there are 3 different strands of science in school, Biology,
Chemistry, and Physics. On this occasion,
I’m going to focus on the latter. As
children, we learned about how the speed at which things fall to the ground.
F = Gm1m2/r2 . That’s the
equation for gravity and no, I didn’t know that ever before a quick Google
search. One man does though. One man
that understood that equation so well that he was able to reverse the effects
of gravity. The Man Who Gravity Forgot.
Neville Pac. His knowledge of
physics could unlock the key to human flight after all. We haven’t even taken into account his
no-nonsense attitude to people. Reminds me of Mr. Carpenter, my physics teacher
from back in the day. You won’t say a word in his class out of fear of getting
a bollocking. For evidence of how Mr. PAC would react to children in his class,
case in point the clip of him destroying a child for jeering him at an event
this year. Scaring children into learning is still perfectly fine, right?
Geography – Titus O’Neil
The man owns a company called Titus …WORLDWIIIIIDE! Who is going to be more knowledgeable about this planet we call Earth than someone who claims to have an enterprise encompassing it whole? This man will have you sliding around different countries and continents better than Chris Columbus. From the highest mountains to treacherous caves, Titus will guide you through Earth’s many wonders. Alas, with his knowledge of business, he could possibly delve into the many ways’ agriculture has changed the world and its impact on the environment. There are no limits to what he could teach us. He could even (possibly) come up with a solution and the best possible way forward for the pedestrianisation of Norwich town centre and how best to navigate access to Dixon’s.
So, there we have it, our first five staff members into our TWM High School (name needs some work).
What do you think? Agree with our choices or can you think of better members to join our high esteemed faculty. Join us next week to find out who will be taking you on a journey through time, who will demand you climb a pointless rope and who can help you navigate the ever-evolving world of technology.
You can find me on Twitter @TDWalton. Thanks for reading.