Kaiju Big Battel was certainly a, shall we say, “unique” experience.
I will do my best to give an insight to the madness but don’t feel bad if at the end of this article you still have no idea what happened. I’m still not entirely convinced I do to be honest. Without further ado… 3, 2, 1, FIGHTO!
Kaiju is incredibly different to any wrestling I’ve watched before. There is music constantly playing so nobody has their own entrance themes, they just enter the arena during songs already playing. The playlist to this event was pretty much 80s rock and I for one absolutely loved it. Also, the commentary is done over the top of the show which is something I don’t think any other promotion does. It really worked with the style of the show.
The wrestlers in this realm are called Kaijus and they fight inside “the big ring”; thus called because there is an invisible ray or portal or something to that effect positioned in the ring that makes the Kaijus 150ft tall as they pass through it. The ring is full of and surrounded by buildings (that are definitely 100% not even remotely made out of cardboard) and those buildings can and will be used as weapons! Think Mighty Morphin Power Rangers meets old Japanese Godzilla films.
Trump Tower, a Holiday Inn and countless Starbucks sadly (except Trump Tower) met their demise over the course of the evening.
My absolute favourite thing about wrestling in general is good storytelling.
My favourite style of wrestling is comedic, silly wrestling.
Imagine my pleasant surprise when Kaiju had not only the most ridiculous wrestling I’ve ever seen BUT also had a narrative running throughout it. Kaiju is a US promotion and they wanted to thank PROGRESS for hosting them at Ally Pally so Jim Smallman was presented with a present at the start of the show (to prompt international relations *wink wink nudge nudge*) by American Beetle, who was then promptly attacked by Tucor. Boooo.
We got ref Joel to the ring, and with a collective shout of 3, 2, 1, FIGHTO!, the first match begun!
American Beetle vs Tucor
American Beetle is, as you can probably guess, an American beetle. Tucor is a big old evil bird with a Toucan beak and claws. American Beetle won to loud chants of “USA! USA! USA!” from the audience. However, during the course of the match, the nefarious Dr Cube and some of his posse came down to the ring and stole the present! Boooooo.
Burger Bear & Power Ranjuru vs Double Unicorn Dark & Bear Ranger
Dr Cube was formerly the biggest baddest villain in Kaiju but that title is now held by Double Unicorn Dark, the evil twin brother of Unicorn Party. Burger Bear and Bear Ranger used to be inseparable but she turned to the dark side in New York over Mania weekend so there were scores to settle all over the place in this bout.
Burger Bear is, as you may expect, a bear with a burger torso.
Power Ranjuru is the fiercest looking fairy in all the land.
Double Unicorn Dark is a very evil, double horned unicorn.
Bear Ranger is basically the yellow Mighty Morphin Power Ranger but with a bear helmet instead of a sabre tooth tiger one.
Power Ranjuru had a really big hammer that only she could lift (totally original Kaiju idea, fully copyrighted by them, they definitely didn’t steal it from anyone else) and used it to gain the victory.
Silver Potato vs Cycloptopuss
Silver Potato is the literal physical embodiment of a baked potato but far more flippy. Cycloptopuss is a cyclops seaweed looking octopus. Silver Potato wins and celebrates with some Beyoncé style dancing.
SIlver Potato did a shooting star press. That’s all you need to know.
Dusto Bunny vs Ice Ice Kinder
Dusto Bunny is 10,000+ years old and looks nightmarish. Every time he makes a move, clouds of dust that were definitely NOT baby powder came off him in waves.
Ice Ice Kinder is a big, icy crab prawn thing? I’m still not sure to be honest.
Ice Ice Kinder had gone for the pin when Hell Monkey, (I don’t quite know how big Dr Cube’s squad is, but Hell Monkey was also a part of it) clearly inebriated, came down to the ring and broke it up to help his pal Dusto Bunny.
This prompted the arrival of the sexy cops – Deputy Dunkzilla and Chief Deputy Beautiful Buttocks. They demanded Hell Monkey to take the heel toe test to check his sobriety and if he refused or failed, he would be taken to SEXY JAIL. Why? Because being inebriated at a Kaiju Big Battel show is FUCKING ILLEGAL. Dusto Bunny was the official winner of this bout but I will tell you right now that the real winners were the fans in attendance.
European Division Championship – Dr Cube vs Unicorn Party
Unicorn Party came out of retirement for this match so the stakes were super high. After some shenanigans where all of Dr Cube’s posse tried to get involved but failed, Unicorn Party retained.
The present was eventually returned to Jim Smallman to thunderous cheers, and he was ecstatic to open it and find that he’d been presented with a Meghan Markle cut DVD of Suits. The lucky bastard.
I really hope Kaiju comes back to the UK, and soon. I’ve done my best to describe the event to you, but to get the full Kaiju experience, you have to see it for yourself. I will say that if you like the weird and wonderful world of Attack Pro Wrestling, you will LOVE Kaiju Big Battel. Until next time, remember – monsters are REAL and danger can HAPPEN.
You can find the author of this article on Twitter @Victoria070591. Thanks for reading!