HomeCPE OriginalsSpace Tea 11: The hand that guides them mini-edition

Space Tea 11: The hand that guides them mini-edition

Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen and other species that may be reading this. Like the Thargoid sitting on the toilet reading this.  This week we are going to discuss the invisible guiding hand in the universe.  So slap on some tin foil, and strap in, because this is going to be a tinfoil edition.  

Some random wikipedia image depicting what appears to be a human male in a midlife crisis wearing a tinfoil hat. Probably a Federation pilot.

This week’s late Space Tea is brought to you by Tinfoil.  It’s great at blocking signals, just don’t be like my friend who took his ankle monitor off and wrapped it in tin foil thinking he could get away with it.  Yeah, that actually happened.  But anyway, let’s move on!

Have you all ever noticed something interesting?  Have you noticed how we never really go to war?  Remember how the Federation’s Bro Squad (see Space Tea 10 for details on the Bro Squad) declared up and down screaming and yelling how they were going to declare war on the NMLA?  WhateverWhat ever happened to that?  What happened to ALL the wars that were supposed to happen?  None of them happened, despite claims to the contrary of “WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!  WE WILL NOT VANISH WITHOUT A FIGHT!  TODAY WE CELEBRATE….” wait, wrong speech.  

Anyways.  There’s an underlying thing here, one underlying group of beings that seem to jump in every single time we are about to go to war.  It’s rather strange, isn’t it?  Strange that despite all the declarations of war, every time it happens, something else massive happens?  That something massive is the Thargoids.  Every single time we have nearly gone to war, the Thargoids have intervened and stopped us.  But they aren’t the ones behind it.  There’s a hand guiding them from the shadows, I believe.  A hand guiding them, but not directly.  They don’t sit down at a Thargoid cafe and have conversations like:

“Hey Stormageddon, how are the wife and kids?”

“Hey Jackamillion, great to see you again.  Man, my wife is nagging me to get a new job.  Says being a pilot is too dangerous.  I’m like ‘Betty look, it’s not dangerous, I stay inside the hive ship.’ Then she goes on and on about that human that blew up one of our hive ships awhile back, and I’m like ‘Betty look, you gotta understand, we’ve beefed up our defenses since then and they don’t know where we are.’  Women, I tell you.  Sorry, so what’s on the docket?”

“Well it looks like the Bro Squad is going to war again, so I’m gonna need you to go in and cause some havoc at some outlying dumps of theirs.  Usual pay, just go blow them up or something, and watch that Blake guy, his ship is out of warranty and he likes killing Thargoids.”

“Alright, thanks, man.  So how are your wife and kids?”

No, these invisible hands guide the Thargoids indirectly, and we just proved it with the latest Aegis project.

“But Riley,” you say, “Tell us who!”

Well if you haven’t figured it out by now, the invisible hand I believe guiding the Thargoids?  It’s the Guardians.

OK OK HANG ON, don’t laugh and close it out yet.  I mean laugh, but don’t exit yet.  So here’s why I think this, and my point was proven as soon as the Aegis project attracted, you guessed it, Thargoids.  Why?  Because of GUARDIAN tech we STUPIDLY put it all in one central location.  Why would anyone in their right damned mind do this?  The better question is, why did Aegis suddenly decide out of the blue “Hey let’s hoard a ton of guardian tech in one location?”  What bumbling moron decided this was a good idea?

You see, they’ve been influencing us from the shadows this entire time.  Think about it.  Really think about it.  Every single time we have nearly gone to war, the Thargoids have attacked, and we have united against them.  Every time these pawns in the overall game have done something to avert an all-out civil war between the Federation, Alliance, and Empire.  All the mega powers, except the Kumo pirates because lets be honest, who cares about them.  I even let their stations burn when the Thargoids attacked them.  

But let’s get back to the topic at hand, why are the Pirates being attacked in all this?  Well.  That I really don’t have an answer to really, Archeron doesn’t belong in power-play or to have his own faction and his people are slimy pieces of ANYWAYS.  My only thinking about Kumo being attacked is that he angered someone who was pulling the strings.  I think it’s a hierarchy.  Us and the Goids at the bottom.  Someone in the middle passing along the information to the Guardians, who are taking another form.  Someone, somewhere, I think is communicating with them.  Perhaps the Bro Squad are passing the information to a higher-up, who in turn is going to the Guardians?  Maybe they’re among us, they were quite advanced after all.  But someone, somewhere has to be passing this information back and forth, right?  Who knows.  But the fact of the matter is, either the Thargoids are far more intelligent than we thought, or they’re being guided by another hand from the shadows, which is my bet.  A hand they know nothing about.  It all makes sense really.  Let’s look at the latest pattern:

Bro Squad wants full surveilance.

Winters says over my dead body.

Alliance goes into chaos over the elections.

Another war nearly breaks out.

Suddenly in the midst of this civil war thats about to break out, Aegis is like 

“HAY U GUYTH!  LET’S HOARD GUARDIAN TECH IN ONE SPOT, SURELY NO ONE WILL ATTACK US!” YOU IDIOT.  Sorry.  Anyhow.  This in turn drew the thargoids, who are currently chasing the Aegis mothership (Burn baby burn.).

That’s what happened, to the public.  To me though, this happened.

Bro Squad wants full surveilance.

Winters says over my dead body

Alliance goes into chaos

Guardians put out the message to gather all materials in one place to lure the Thargoids

Thargoids attack Aegis and continue to chase them

War forgotten about

Alliance still in chaos because face it, no one cares about them.  Sorry but it’s true.

So this was a rather short conspiracy article, but I have a special interview with a fantastic streamer to finish editing, and I asked her a lot.  Expect it sometime this week.  Until then, keep that tinfoil on, keep your bug zappers powered up, and beware of anyone with glowing blue eyes, or red ones that go back and forth. By your command.

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