I’m not even going to beat around the bush here; this is the worst one I’ve watched so far.
If you’ve been following this terrible soiree into the deep, dark recesses of horrific wrestling, then thank you; you’ve been a partner on my guided tour of grappling debauchery, but this is the lowest point.
I’ve watched the worst show WWF has to offer, well, at least in terms of In Your House.
I’ve watched a lottery winner blow all his money on a sleazy promotion and I’ve watched a man get body-slammed through C4.
And somehow, the infamous Five Star Wrestling is the CLEAR rock bottom so far.
Not because it’s awful, for ethical reasons like previous shows I’ve watched or that the quality of a match is bad, It’s because I’ve never cringed or went ‘Oh for god’s sake’ out loud more times during a show than I did when I was sent this on Youtube.
So let’s go. 5 Star Wrestling. Why.
There are three of them and two are Scottish because I’m biased. Joe Hendry is good on commentary and Kid Fite cuts a legitimately funny promo on Chris Masters and Carlito.
The third is a fantastic promo from the usually brilliant Zack Gibson however, his message and overall presentation is that of a heel despite his words conveying a babyface not wanting his and other British talent to be overlooked by money-grabbing imports.
The wrestling itself is…fine. Nothing terrible, but nothing close to special.
Right, good things out of the way, let’s move onto the *censored*.
Aw, it’s just the worst thing about it.
5 Star Wrestling has become known within the wrestling community due to its, shall we say, overhyping nature.
The very same promotion that infamously offered CM Punk $1,000,000 if he competed for them also clearly hired out massive arenas, fit for thousands of people, to kick off their campaign.
That old saying of ‘start small, build up’ is a pretty simple one to grasp and understand. Dan Hinkles, the owner of the promotion, apparently missed the boat on it. So, when you have a 5,000+ seater arena and have what looks like 12 people there, it’s NOT a good start.
God bless Steve Lynskey.
Trying to get absolutely no people, in comparison to a giant arena, to try and make noise is the absolute worst thing to witness. He REALLY gives it a go but people just give him muted cheers and claps. Not what I expected from the first forty bloody seconds.
Some of them try and fair play to them.
As previously mentioned Kid Fite and Zack Gibson cut great promos while Flash Morgan Webster and Eddie Ryan also really try, but, jesus…
The reason I stated that Gibson’s promo about how the imports just wanted a pay day and didn’t care was actually a face promo is because it’s SO evident that it’s true. Every single American/international import that was a big name on the show couldn’t look less bothered.
Like, listen, if I turned up to a show and saw 34 people staring back at me after I’d been in a world title match at WrestleMania, I’d probably not care too, but like, show at least SOMETHING.
You’ve got a decently stacked locker room in the back, just go for it when you have a match.
So, I was watching the Belfast taping. It’s hard to actually tell what it is and ALL they kept mentioning was ‘The Storm’.
It’s public knowledge that this show was hugely hindered by a massive blizzard that was over Scotland and Northern Ireland at the time of the show. Any normal person would be like ‘Hey, this is probably going to cut the crowd down even lower than it would be, let’s just stop, give refunds and come back another time.’
Well that’s not good enough for Hinkles.
Instead, we just kept getting constant reminders that ‘Guys, it’s the storm. Don’t worry, we’d have the place bouncing if it wasn’t for the snow!!’.
It’s just another ridiculous business decision that connects the dots as to why 5 Star is no longer around.
It’s just not fun to watch. It’s bad, it’s awkward, it’s pissing empty for most of it and just isn’t enjoyable.
Out of everything I’ve reviewed so far in this series – a series that I’m clearly being punished with from decisions made in a past life – this is the worst.
The other promotions at least had something, maybe, for you to enjoy and take away from. But unless you like watching the worst wrestling product there is*, stay away from this one.
*This will probably change next week with whatever I’m assigned.
Photos courtesy of Image: Ringside Perspective/Oli Sandler
You can find me on Twitter @McIverTheMark