TV & Film: Jeff’s House Of Horror x Horrible Films You Should Avoid!

So, I have a pretty high standard when it comes to horror films, and narrowing this list down to five is pretty difficult, but I did it. I’m not gonna bore you with a long introduction so instead, let’s get into the list, shall we? Horrible Films, that you should avoid at all costs!

1: Horrible Films – Ouija (2014) – PG13

The first Ouija film just flat-out sucks. There’s no other word for it.

A girl is mysteriously killed after recording herself playing with an ancient Ouija Board, which leads to a close group of friends investigating this board. They later find out that some things aren’t meant to be played with, especially the ‘other side’.

This movie never had a chance of being good – it’s a modern horror movie based on a board game. Still, it could have been campy fun. After all, it is a board game. But no, Ouija is not fun. It’s very, very boring.

Everything about this movie fails on so many levels. The writing doesn’t have a single original or interesting idea, and it doesn’t even make sense in the end. The acting is dull, though that’s largely due to the fact that our characters spend the majority of the film moping around their houses and at school. There’s no way of gaining the momentum of suspense when nothing is happening. The characters play the board game a couple of times and there is a handful of cheap jump scares and bad effects. That’s it. The direction is flat and indifferent. Worst of all, it’s not scary in the least.

Ouija is the absolute bare minimum for a horror movie, completely devoid of energy, inspiration, and any interest in telling an original story.

2: Horrible Films – Martyrs (2015) – NR

In general, American remakes of foreign horror films are just awful. They really are.

Anna rushes to help her friend Lucy, who was viciously abused as a young child, clean up the aftermath of the revenge she visited upon her abductors 15 years later. Was Lucy the only victim? Are they alone in this idyllic home? What nightmares lie beneath the tranquil facade of this house of horror? In search of the truth they uncover a sadistic cult organization determined to make a Martyr of each subject rather than a simple victim.

I have to start off by saying that I believe that the French version of the film is the most depression, soul-wretchingly horrific movie I have ever seen in my life. It is a masterpiece in the use of atmosphere, nuance, and tact in horror film-making, and will most likely not be topped as a horror film for quite some time. This Blumhouse version is NONE OF THAT. Imagine if someone told you that France has the best burger you have ever tasted. You want to eat it so bad, but you don’t want to travel to France or learn to read the menu at the restaurant because you are lazy. You wait for an American chef to create the same burger, but the meat is dry, it has no lettuce, tomatoes or pickles, and the condiments lack taste. That is exactly what you are getting with this remake.

It lacks any redeemable elements that would make it palatable for anyone over the age of 14, and who has a more refined palette. It is simply a hollow imitation of the French film. It tries so hard to shock and disturb, but in the end, it just makes you feel sorry for everyone involved. People woke up and went to work for this. They have their names attached to the credits. It will be a film they will be forced to use on their resume. It just makes me sad that production companies like Blumhouse can outright spit on real artistry in the name of profit margins. Blumhouse, you are the worst thing to happen to horror movies since the advent of Found-footage. You have ruined one of the most definitive horror experiences since The Exorcist, and your whole company should be ashamed of yourselves.

This film was absolute garbage and an insult to horror films. We will never speak of it again, and never within the same sentence as the original. A complete and utter failure, it should not be seen by anyone. It is, without a doubt, one of the worst films ever made, regardless of genre.

3: Horrible Films – Open Water (2003) – R

Open Water, while based on a true and terrifying story, is a boring and plodding attempt at making the ocean scary. You don’t need to be this effing boring to do that, just look at Jaws, that was much more terrifying.

A couple on a holiday in the Caribbean decide to spend the day on a scuba diving trip. But was it the wrong decision? When a miscount happens on the boat, Susan and Daniel are left behind in the middle of the ocean, the boat was long gone. With all their hopes set on the boat coming back to rescue them, they try to keep themselves safe, especially when sharks start to appear.

I’ve seen some REALLY great shark movies, but then some that were not so great and with my knowledge of shark films, this looked decent… my knowledge was never so wrong. This movie is a TOTAL waste of time to watch. Supposedly it’s about these two people who get stranded out in the middle of the water and they both die, so someone is just going to predict what happened out there. Here are the reasons why I didn’t like this movie:

1. If they both died, that means someone just took a complete stab in the dark at what probably happened out there while they were missing, which in the end really made me mad, because that is also what I predicted was going to happen, and if they both didn’t die in the “true events”, I think it was a poor choice making them both die in this movie.

2. The sharks that surrounded them while they were afloat would have ripped them to shreds at the first sight of food – THEY WOULDN’T SWIM AROUND FOR DAYS AND NOT TRY TO EAT THEM. I mean, I know humans can never know what animals are exactly thinking which is why I love animal attack films, but come on, when an animal’s hungry, IT’S GOING TO EAT, we know THAT much for sure.

3. This movie was BORING, BORING, BORING, because most of the time you’re watching it, they are just floating in the water not doing anything and it’s completely pathetic!!!!! I know they were probably trying to build up suspense and such, but they did an extremely poor job of doing so.

There, so that’s why this movie is so so horrible!!!! It’s not the worst film ever, but by God it’s pretty well near it! I’m sorry I wasted my time on it…

4: Horrible Films – Slither (2006) – R

Not even the greats Nathan Fillion or Elizabeth Banks could save this piece of shit. It tried to be The Blob, without the actual Blob and instead of using worms, it was just nearly unwatchable for me.

From the depths of the endless space, a flaming meteorite crashes into the dark woods of the sleepy town of Wheelsy, South Carolina. As the scorched rock reveals its silent content–a baneful parasitic organism–a subtle alien invasion commences, and the war’s unlucky first victim is the town’s local businessman, Grant. Little by little, as an internal change transforms Grant into an utterly hideous monstrosity, his wife, Starla, starts to feel that something’s been eating at him the last few days. Now, before the unstoppable extra-terrestrial attack, no one is safe, and to make matters worse, Grant’s transformation is far from over yet. Who can stop the slithering army from outer space?

Slither was an absolutely horrible movie. Besides bad acting, it also had a simplistic plot, and the worst was that it didn’t know if it wanted to be a comedy or a horror movie, it hopelessly failed in both categories. One thing that I have to say though is that it was incredibly disgusting. Anyone that sees the movie should be able to verify the aforementioned comments. The only bright spot in the movie, was the mayor, a bad-mouthed individual, who did manage to make me laugh a few times, just because he was ridiculous. Parents SHOULD NOT let their children go see this movie unless of course, they’re interested in seeing a very bad movie.

This movie was just one of the worst i have ever seen. There are only a few handfuls of movies where i will actually shut it off in the middle of it just because it was so bad and guess what…slither made that list. the acting, the plot, the annoying southern accents. the only reason i wanted to watch it was because of Jenna fisher but she turned out to be one of the cast with the worst redneck accent in the entire movie. I’m sure most people will disagree. I’m not on here to start something. this is just my opinion. you like the movie then that’s your problem. but for the ones who have never seen it before…BEWARE!!!!

5: Horrible Films – One Missed Call (2008) – PG13

You want to know why Hollywood shouldn’t be allowed to remake classic Asian horror films? This piece of shit is the exact reason why America should never -ever- remake a foreign horror film ever again. This movie is worse than the 1998 Godzilla from Tristar, and that’s saying something.

After the death of their friend Shelley, Leann Cole receives a voice mail from the future of the date and time when she would die. On the scheduled day, Leann sees weird things and in the precise informed hour, Leann is attacked by a supernatural force on a footbridge over a train station while talking to her friend Beth Raymond. Beth meets Leann’s boyfriend Brian, who also received a call, and witnesses his death on the street. When her roommate Taylor Anthony receives a call, Beth befriends Det. Jack Andrews, who tells her that his sister was the first victim of the phone call. They decide to investigate the connections of Jack’s sister and find the name of Marie Layton, who apparently abused her daughters. Jack and Beth run against time trying to save Beth from her fate.

This movie was so bad. It makes OK movies like The Grudge look like masterpieces. First, the one and only good thing about this movie was it built decent suspense in some parts. That being said, the payoff was horrible. We would always get some bad CGI, a copy off of something that was in another movie(1408 is a clue), or an average death that is filmed horribly just so that the movie won’t be R. The character development is THE WORST I have seen in any movie, and that’s including all the very low budget horror movies. The detective doesn’t have a personality, he’s just kind of a machine that spits out dialogue. The main character is so stupid, it’s unbelievable.

There have been unintentionally stupid characters throughout time, but none have been so stupid that I had to shake my head at them. The side characters are worse. You just remember them as hot Latin chick, guy friend, and the other friend. Of course, that means you don’t care for their deaths. The plot was pretty stupid, they just shove some random crap in there so they could have an ending. When the film ends, it made me mad because they took too long to show credits, so you think something else will happen, but then the credits just roll. And if the screenwriter had a brain, he would know that cell phones aren’t scary, it’s the idea of hearing your own death. But of course, we just have to have a cell phone in every scene, and this ruins what could be some good scares. On one last note, there was a really embarrassing scene that we’re supposed to take seriously, but you just laugh your head off at the stupidity.

This is just one of those films based on a good film (the original is wicked), that Hollywood sees as an opportunity to remake and make a load of money off. Please do not help accomplish this! The Japanese version was based on “what you can’t see is scarier than what you can see !”, and played out as a highly decent scary movie. But then came along the Americans (no offence, I’m one) which bases a movie nowadays on “how much money can we inject into explosions, shattered glass, blowing up cars… that we won’t have to pay to get decent actors?”. And voila you get this turd of a remake. Get the Japanese version and stick to it, in it the actors at least look like teenagers. In the American version, they all look over thirty. I mean come on, how dumb are we?

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